Let’s face it: There’s no bad place to have sex. Granted, each of us has places we may like more than others—in the bed, on the bearskin rug, in the family stall of the World Trade Center observatory bathroom—but at the end of the day, any place you happen to be getting laid is a good spot.
But there’s something special about having sex in a car. Maybe it’s the way it brings you back to high school, when it was that rare place you and your first real girlfriend could be totally free from prying parental eyes; maybe it’s the cumulative effect of a thousand songs, movies, and other pop culture references to the act of automotive love-making. Regardless of why, cars and sex are liable to be tied together in the American psyche for the rest of time. (Of course, it should go without saying that finding a private place to park is an essential prerequisite.)
That said … as anyone who’s ever owned a Volkswagen Beetle or a Mini Cooper can testify, some cars are better than others when it comes to getting lucky. That’s not to say people don’t make it work; if necessity is the mother of
invention, then horniness is the father of persistence, and there are plenty of people wandering this planet today who were conceived in spite of the tight confines of a compact car’s back seat.
But why settle for less, when you could do it in the best?
In that spirit, Men’s Health has pulled together a list of the best cars on sale today in which to have sex. Consider it a public service
MERCEDES-MAYBACH G 650 LANDAULET
The first SUV from Mercedes’s super-luxury brand, the Maybach G 650 can off-road like a Jeep Wrangler while keeping its occupants seated in the lap of luxury. But it’s the combination of first class-spec rear seats—heated, cooled, and massaging thrones that recline almost flat—and a convertible top over the back to reveal the stars in all their glory that make this machine perfect for making love anywhere on the face of the Earth.
Ferraris are sexy … but their low rooflines and snug, racecar-like interiors mean they’re not particularly good places to have sex. The one exception: the GTC4Lusso. With room for four and the boxy proportions of a shooting brake (a.k.a. a two-door station wagon), this Ferrari has more than enough space inside for the occupants to give into the carnal impulses the car’s sultry lines inspire
PORSCHE PANAMERA SPORT TURISMO
Until now, Porsches tended to fall into one of two categories: small and sexy (911, Boxster) or practical and plain (Cayenne, Macan). The new Panamera Sport Turismo, however, is the first one to bridge the gap. Yes, it’s Porsche’s first wagon, but any worries that it might take after the terminally uncool likes of the Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser vanish at first sight of its aerodynamic lines. And to seal the deal: It’s the first Panamera with a standard rear bench seat.
Quit it with the eye-rolling. The Pacifica may not be sexy by most traditional metrics, but it’s jammed with features big and small that make getting laid that much more convenient. Both second and third rows of seats stow into the floor, creating a massive open surface to spread out (in more ways than one). Twin 10-inch entertainment screens in the first row’s headrests mean his-and-hers porn isn’t out of the question. And if things get messy (or if you just wanna get weird) … the Pacifica even offers a built-in vacuum cleaner.
Country boys (and gals) know pretty well that the seats aren’t the only place you can get a little Sumthin’-something in a vehicle. Throw down a thick blanket, and a pickup’s bed serves equally well—and that’s where the Ridgeline separates itself from the rest of the truck pack. The tailgate swings both ways (rimshot!), making entry and exit easy. Fill the in-bed trunk with ice, and it becomes a perfect cooler, so a fresh drink is never far away. And the Ridgeline even has a system that transforms the bed walls into speakers—perfect for blasting mood music.
Someday, automakers will offer a wide variety of self-driving vehicles where people can get busy in total privacy. Until that day, however, the best place for comfortable road-going sex will be in the back seat of a Bentley Mulsanne piloted by a tight-lipped British chauffeur. With one of the nicest interiors in the automotive realm, a ride smoother than freshly-churned butter, and a massive back seat that offers a champagne cooler and a pair of crystal flutes to drink from, there’s no classier place to make babies at highway velocity than the rear of this massive luxury sedan.